No Soap Radio

Variations from around the country

There are as many variants of No Soap Radio as there are people who tell it.
Here are all of the variants that have been reported to me, in chronological order:

• This guy has a room in a boarding house. He wants to take a shower and yells downstairs to the landlady, "There's no soap." To which she replies "No soap, radio."
  Source: Bill Sanders, late 1940s

• A woman was sitting in a bathtub and and man walked in. No soap radio
  Source: Susan Bonhomme, late 1940s/early 1950s

• Two elephants were sitting in a tub and one elephant said, "Where's the soap?" The other elephant says "No soap radio"
  Source: Sheila Harding, New York, NY, 1952

• Two bears were sitting in a bathtub. One bear said to the other bear, "Please pass me the soap." The other bear replied, "You don't want the soap, you want the radio!"
  Source: Marty Payton, Republic, MO, 1954

• What did one elephant say to the other in the bathtub? "No soap, clock radio."
  Source: Anita Bigelow, 1958

• Two elephants are sitting in a bathtub and one elephant says to the other, "Please pass the soap." And the other elephant replies, "No soap, radio."
  Source: Jonathan Daniel, Riverdale, NY, 1961

• Two polar bears are on an icecap at the North pole. The ice cap breaks apart and the pieces drift apart - one drifts down Atlantic, the other the Pacific. The polar bears think they're lost forever. Then at the South Pole they see one another. One calls "Hey!" and other says, "No soap, radio!"
  Source: JSchuylerB@internet, Pelham Country Club, 1962

• There were two elephants sitting in a bath tub and one turns to the other and says "Pass the Soap" and then the other one says, "No Soap. Radio"
  Source: Ron Rosen, San Mateo, CA, 1962

• Two lions were taking a shower together. The first lion said, "Pass the soap." The other lion said. "No soap radio".
  Source: jw@internet, 1963

• Two fat ladies were sitting in the bathtub. One lady said pass the soap and the other lady said, "No soap radio."
  Source: Patty Wike, 1963

• Two bears are sitting in a bathtub. The first one says, "Pass the soap." The second one says, "No soap, radio!"
  Source: Gwillim Law, Cambridge, MA, 1966

• Two penguins are sitting in a bathtub. One penguin says to the other, "Please pass the soap." The other penguin replies, "No soap. Radio!"
  Source: Paul Perocchi, N.Andover, MA, 1966

• A monkey and a bear sitting in a bathtub. The bear says, "Pass the soap." The monkey says, "No soap, radio!"
  Source: davisanddavis.geo@internet, Keene, NH 1967

• Two bears were sitting in a bathtub. One says, to the other, "Pass the soap." The other says, "No soap, radio"
  Source: Jay Rosen, Englewood Cliffs, NJ, 1967

• Two elephants had been captured by hunters and packed in a wooden crate for the long trip across the ocean. Because of how they were packed, head to tail, they had no chance to converse during the whole voyage. Now, you must realize that they had gotten very dirty during the trip...[here expand upon the dirt in great detail]. Finally they arrived and were unpacked and led into a huge shower and left alone. They were both embarrased by this enforced intimacy, and were rather shy, wondering how to start a conversation. Finally one elephant turns to the other sand says "Please pass the soap." The other elephant replies "No soap, radio."
  Source: Allan Goldhammer, 1968

• There were two little kids, brother and sister, five or six years old, taking a bath together. The girl said to her brother, "Pass me the soap." He said, "No soap, radio."
  Source: Les Luhring, Pompano Beach, FL, 1968

• [While playing Bridge] One club. One no trump. Two spades. No soap radio. Pass. Pass. Pass. West leads the four of diamonds, north ruffs the six, and the rest is history.
  Source: paker@internet, Rutgers, NJ, 1968

• Once there were three bears. They lived on a lake that was shaped like a mitten. Between the thumb and pointer finger was the woods. Across the lake was a radio staion. One day they were taking a bath in the lake. One bear said to the other, "Please pass the soap". The other bear said, "No soap, radio".
  Source: Nan Wefler, Milwaukee, WI, 1969

• What does one elephant say to the other elephant in the bath? No soap radio!
  Source: Martin Schwartz, New York, NY, late 1960s

• A penguin is floating on an iceberg and comes upon three penguins floating on another iceberg. One of the three penguins jumps into the water and says, "Oops, no soap." The second penguin jumps in and says, "Oops, no soap." Then the third penguin jumps in and says, "Oops, no soap." The solitary penguin, still on his iceberg, looks at them and says, "Hello, radio."
  Source: Fred Taylor, 1970

• There were two penguins in a bathtub. One said, "Pass me a bar of soap." The other one said, "What do you think I look like? A typewriter?"
  Source: grape_1961@internet, 1971

• Two bears are sitting in the bathtub. The first bear says to the second bear: "Pass the soap." The second bear says, "No soap. Radio."
  Source: George Thuronyi, Silver Spring, MD, 1971

• Two hippies are sitting in a bath. One says, "Hey man, pass the soap." The other says, "No soap! Radio!"
  Source: Dave Benjamin, Wilton, CT, 1972

• There were two elephants sitting in a bath tub and one turns to the other and says "Pass the Soap" and then the other one says, "No Soap. Radio"
  Source: John Treffeisen, New York, NY, 1973

• There were three polar bears on an iceberg. The first one runs down the iceberg and jumps into the frozen Sea and yells "Wheee!" The second one comes running after him and jumps into the frozen Bering Sea yelling "Wheee!" The third polar bear comes running after them, jumps into the frozen Bering Sea and yells "Radio!"
  Source: Virginia Dodier, Carlsbad, NM, 1973

• There were three bears in a bathtub. The one on the left says “Pass me the soap”. The one in the middle replies, “What do you think I am, a lightbulb?”
  Source: John Gadbois, Durango, CO, 1974

• A penguin and a polar bear are sitting on an iceburg. The penguin yells, "Radio!" and they both jump in the water.
  Source: Lynette Hays, Spokane, WA, 1975

• Once upon a time, there was a purple king and purple queen who lived in a purple castle. One day, the purple queen said to the purple king "I am going to take a bath." The purple king then turned to the purple queen and said "No Soap Radio!"
  Source: Peter Sklar, Palo Alto, CA, 1975

• Two frogs are in a bathtub. One of them says "Iceberg! Iceberg!" The other one says "What do you think I am, a radio?"
  Source: Ara H., Montreal, Quebec, 1976

• What did the elephant say when it fell in the tub? No soap. Radio!
  Source: Bill Bumgarner, late 1970s

• There's three penguins in a bathtub. One of them asks the other, "Pass the soap." The other replies, "What do you think I am, a radio?"
  Source: Sam O'Brien, 1980

• Three penguins are sitting in a bathtub, and the first one turns to the one on the right, and says "Pass me the soap", and the other one says "No soap, radio!"
  Source: Chris Hartleben, 1981

• A giraffe is taking a bath, and an elephant walks in. The giraffe asks the elephant for soap, and the elephant says 'No, soap...radio."
  Source: Cary Kaplan, Toronto, Canada, 1984

• Two polar bears are sitting in a bathtub. The first one says, "Pass the soap." The second one says, "No soap, radio!"
  Source: Daniel Lipkin, Stanford, CA, 1988

• There are 3 monkeys playing in a tree. They climb down from the tree and play in the dirt so they are dirty. Now the dirty monkeys need to take a bath in the bath tub next to the tree. The monkeys are now in the bath tub. The first monkey says to the second monkey, "Pass the brush" The second monkey says to the third monkey, "Pass the soap" And the first monkey says to the third monkey, "Pass the shampoo" And then the second monkey says "What do you think I am, a typewriter?"
  Source: Ed Keenan, 1989

• Two penguins were sitting on an iceberg. The iceberg breaks and they drifed apart. One penguin said, “Goodbye!” The other said, “Chocolate milk!”
  Source: Eugene Opsasnick, 1991

• Three monkeys are sitting in a bathtub. The first monkey says to the third monkey, "Please pass the soap." The third monkey says, "What do you think I am, a typewriter?"
  Source: Richard Allen, Palo Alto, CA, 1994

• A hippo and a penguin are taking a bath together. The hippo says, "Pass the soap" and the penguin says, "No soap. Radio!"
  Source: Matthew Gordon, Princeton, NJ, 1996

• Two penguins are sitting in a bathtub. One penguin says to the other, "Please pass the soap." The other penguin replies, "Not soap. Radio."
  Source: Daniel Sandler, Houston, TX, 1996

• There are two ducks in the bathtub. The first one says, "Hey, gimmie the soap." The second says, "Radio!?! What Radio?"
  Source: Laura Bennett, Lawrence, KS, 1996

• Two nuns are in a bath. The first one says, "Where's the soap?" and the second one replies, "Yes it does, doesn't it?
  Source: waughs@internet, 1996
  [Dispute over whether this is a variant of No Soap Radio or an actual joke in its own right has been noted]

• Two penguins are standing on an iceberg. The iceberg splits into two pieces, and the penguins start to drift away from each other. Just as they are about to lose sight of one another, one of them yells, "Pizza!"
  Source: David Goss, Seattle, WA, 1996

• Two lions were sitting in the tub together. One lion said to the other lion, "Pass the soap." The other lion said. "No soap radio".
  Source: Sara Jansyn, 1998

• Two penguins are sitting in a bathtub. The first one says,"Pass the soap." The other one replies, "What do you think I am - a Radio?"
  Source: Steven Carter, Chicago, IL, 1998

• An (insert ethnic group member here) is flying in an airplane. He points out the window at the countryside below and exclaims, "No soap...radio?"
  Source: Ross Knights, 1998

• Two rhinoceroses where climbing an iceberg when they got to the top and butted heads, then fell into the same hot tub. One said "Yo man, pass the soap." And the other said "No soap man, radio."
  Source: Collin E. Montrose, Hawaii, 1998

• There were three penguins in a bathtub. The first says to the second, "Pass me the soap," and the third looks at them and says, "What do I look like, a typewriter?"
  Source: David Friend, Baltimore, MD, 2001

• Two elephants were sitting in a bathtub. One says "Pass the soap." The other one says, "No soap radio."
  Source: Stephen Moore, Andover, MA, 2002

• The co-pilot of a plane shouts "Nose up!" The pilot replies "Radio" and obediently pulls on his yoke at which point the plane flips over and crashes. In heaven, the pilot blames co-pilot for the crash. "Why did you say 'Nose up'?" he asks. "I didn't," replies the co-pilot, "I said 'No soap.'"
  Source: Jim Cowdery, 2003

• Two penguins are in a bathtub. One says "Pass me the soap." The other says "What do I look like, a lightbulb?"
  Source: theYellowDart@internet, 2003

• Two panda bears are sitting in a tub. One said to the other, "Please pass me the soap." The other replies, "What do you think I am, a radio?"
  Source: JtM1327@internet, 2003

• There's two aged radicals sitting in a bathtub discussing their life achievements. One is a delusional revolutionary; the other is a bloodthirsty terrorist. The revolutionary says to the terrorist, "Hey Yasser, pass the soap." And the terrorist replies, "Sorry Fidel, no soap, radio."
  Source: Jayme Pena, Stockbridge, MI, 2004

• An ape was taking a shower... No soap radio
  Source: Richard Phelps, 2004

• There were two elephants in the shower, one says "Eh! Could you pass the soap?" And the other says, "Radio? What radio?"
  Source: Kali Burnette, 2004

• Two penguins are taking a bath. The first one says to the second one, "Hey, could you pass me the soap?" The second one gets all angry and snaps back, "What do I look like, a TYPEWRITER?"
  Source: Laura Johnson, 2004

• Two penguins are standing on an iceberg. The iceberg splits into two pieces, and the penguins start to drift away from each other. Just as they are about to lose sight of one another one waves and calls out, "No soap, radio!"
  Source: James Irwin, 2004

• A very young polar bear is sleeping on the edge of a large ice shelf when it breaks off as a small ice berg and begins to move out to sea. He awakens just as his ice berg passes very closeby another tiny ice berg, on which is sitting a very large, ferocious, and menacing polar bear. The small polar bear is shaking in fear as his ice berg comes closer, closer to the huge polar bear. Just at the large polar bear is within striking distance of the small bear, the large polar bear sternly roars, "NO SOAP RADIO!"
  Source: Gardin Carroll, 2004

• There are two penguins, one at the north pole and one at the south pole, and they are best friends. They have never met before, but they talk to each other through all kinds of electronic communication; email, instant message, texting... So they decide to meet each other at the equator, and when they see one another they hug each other, then jump back and yell, "Radio!"
  Source: TXConfLuth@internet, 2005

• Two penguins are sitting in a bathtub. The first penguin turns around and says to the second, "Pass the soap." The second penguin replies to the first, "No soap, radio."
  Source: Courtney Harris, 2006

• Two polar bears were sitting in a bathtub. One bear said to the other one, "Pass the soap" The other bear said "No soap, radio."
  Source: Colleen Mazzella, 2006

• Two frogs are sitting in a bathtub. One frog turns to the other and says,"Pass the soap." The other frog replies, "What do I look like a typewriter?"
  Source: Jerry Zak, 2006

• A hunter was walking through the woods when he came to a river. In the middle of the river was a bear taking a bath. The hunter called out, "Heya, fella, need some soap?" To which the bear called back, "No, thanks, I've got a radio!"
  Source: Martin Conrad, Durango, CO, 2007

• There was a man taking a shower, and he slipped on a bar of soap. His friend came in and said, "Hey, are you okay?" And he says, "No soap, radio."
  Source: lsutigers5@internet, 2007

• Two lions are sitting in a bath tub. One asks the other to hand him the soap. The other exclaims, "No soap, RADIO!"
  Source: Michael Spitzer, 2007