Some (Good) Mexican/Latino Humor

You know you are at a SERIOUS Mexican Birthday Party IF:

1. Some of the guest didn't bring a gifts, but brought extra uninvited kids.
2. When the cake says "Happy Birthday Mijo" instead of the child's real name.
3. The party is at Chuck E Cheese but they brought their own food, cake, and a pinata.
4. It's a child's party but there are more grown-ups than children.
5. It's "Mijo's" 1st Birthday and the party food is BBQ, arroz con beans, y 10 cases de Budweisers.
6. For entertainment, instead of playing pin the tail on the donkey, there is usually a live fight.
7. They don't sing Happy Birthday, instead everyone is still dancing > > "La Macarena".
8. There are twenty kids at the party but no parents (....They got dropped off)
9. The party was over at 5:00, it's 8:00 and somebody's kids are STILL there.
10. You find out that Tio left Abuela propped-up in a corner chair and told her not to move till he came back for her..... tomorrow.
11. The invitations said Pool Party, you get there and the men are playing billiards in the car port.
12. The host calls someone who's on their way and tells them to stop and get some ice.
13. The guest start arriving and the hostess disappears to get ready.
14. You had to borrow some food stamps from your cousin to buy the party food.
15. You know you're going to have to go to the flea market to sell some of the presents that "mijo" got to pay your cousin back for the food stamps.
16. You hear someone go up to the birthday child and say "Mira, tan cute! I'm going to have to get you something next week when I get paid, okay?".
17. The party wasn't planned, the birthday child just went outside and announced," Hey, Mommy said I'm getting ready to have a Birthday Party, come over!!!!".
18. The party is Saturday, so you got a call from the hostess Friday night saying, "I'm giving Mijo a birthday party tomorrow at 3:00".
19. Some guests bring gifts that are still in the store bag ("The Dollar Store") ..unwrapped.
20. They don't serve punch, you get Kool-Aid. And instead of Hot Dogs and chips you get Vienna sausages in WonderBread.
21. The Baby's Daddy (the Mommy's ex-boyfriend) and the Mommy's boyfriend (the one that the baby seems to like more) are both there and the baby keeps calling them both "Daddy!"
22. There always seems to be more family than friends at the party.
23. You have the party over at your brother's because he just bought a new house and he has a pool table in the car port.
24. The cake didn't come from the store; it came from the 'viejita' down the block who makes really good cakes.
25. You are told you have to hold on to the plate that you ate your food on..........so you can eat your cake.
26. Someone calls and says they cant make it but asks that you save them some cake in a to-go-plate for when they pass by later.
27. You're offended because it makes you think of last years Drive-by.
28. Guest are wrapping up cake to take to Mommy, Tio, Abuela, Chata y Junior.
29. The party music is coming from the trunk of someone's car.
30. The birthday child is dressed from head to toe in Tommy Hilfiger.
31. The birthday baby's Daddy comes to the party and brings the kids he had before and after the Birthday Baby.
32. It's "Mijo's" party but since his cousin Amber is there and her birthday is in a few days, it becomes Mijo's and Amber's Party.

Power to La Raza!

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WAYS YOU KNOW YOU ARE AT A HISPANIC WEDDING

NOBODY HAS INVITATIONS...ONLY MAPS.
AN AVERAGE OF 12 PEOPLE ATTEND PER INVITATION.
NO ONE GOES TO THE WEDDING, BUT EVERYONE GOES TO THE RECEPTION.
THE BRIDE'S KIDS ARE THE FLOWER GIRLS AND THE RING-BEARER.
THE RECEPTION IS AT NIGHT AND YOU WONDER HOW GRINGOS HAVE WEDDINGS DURING THE DAY!
EVERYONE HAS THEIR OWN LIQUOR BOTTLES.
ALL THE CENTERPIECES ARE GONE.
OPEN BAR AND COMPLIMENTARY KEGS.
EVERYONE'S KIDS ARE RUNNING AROUND CRAZY AND ALL YOU WANT TO DO IS THROW A BOTTLE AT THEM.
THE MEN DRESS IN ZOOT SUITS..AND THE BRIDE DRESSED IN PINK.
THE COMIDA HAS RICE AND BEANS.
PEOPLE ARE TAKING FOOD PLATES HOME.
PEOPLE ARE TAKING HUGE PIECES OF CAKE HOME.
ONE OF THE RELATIVES IS DRUNK AND HUGGING EVERYONE TELLING THEM "TE QUIERO MUCHO".
THE DOLLAR DANCE LASTS OVER AN HOUR.
THERE ARE SEVEN BRIDESMAIDS.
THE CAKE WAS MADE BY "THE CAKE LADY" AND NOT THE BAKERY.
THE WOMEN DANCE CUMBIAS TOGETHER.
YOU HAVE TO CLEAN UP THE BALLROOM BEFORE YOU LEAVE.
THE WEDDING ENDS AT 6:00 am AT THE BRIDE'S HOUSE.
BONUS: A FIGHT BREAKS OUT

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YOU KNOW YOU'RE A TRUE LATINO IF...

You have ever been spanked with chanclas.
You have later been spanked with the plancha chord.
You know your mom is sneaking up on you because you can hear her chanclas on the linoleum floor.
Your mother yells at the top of her lungs to call you to dinner and you only live in a one bedroom apartment.
You can get to your house blindfolded by the smell of the chuletas.
You light a candle the night of the Lotto drawing.
You get scared whenever someone mentions "el cucuuuuiii".
You got to the Pulga or Swapmeet every weekend for gear. (Two points if you actually enjoy it!)
Go to a function and judge the women's fashions (wearing a sequins butterfly print top you got from the pulga.)
You have gone to Titi's house and passed through the beaded curtain in the living room.
You step into a house that has all those little figurines taking up every inch of space on/under the TV and you have a porcelain cat, dog, or elephant in your livingroom.
You have plastic slipcovers on your sofas.
You swear "Choco Milk" is the same as Slim Fast and try to lose weight by drinking it.
You're still afraid to open that umbrella in your house.
You know at least one person in your family named Maria, Carlos,Papo, Juan, Jose, Tony, Tito or Luis.
You not only know who Don Francisco from Sabado Gigante is, but you tell people he's your tio.
Your mother, tia or hermana's hair is blackcherry, "Sun in" red or a burgundy that would make Celia Cruz jealous.
You always try to find out what town another fellow Latino's family is from.
You call: rug -carpeta; roof - rufo; parking - parking, libreria instead of biblioteca- or to knock - knockiar and chips-ruffles.
You have ever had to -beepiar- a friend on their pager.
You wear your Sunday best to do laundry at the laundrymat and go grocery shopping.
You have told your kid not to walk the floor barefoot or they'll catch a cold.
Your tia Chencha thinks that silver banana clips are on Vogue's hot list for hair.
You go to a wedding or Quiencienera, gossip about how bad the comida is, but be the first to take a plato to go.
Your sister has more mustache hair than your father.
One of your aunts or mom weighs over 300 pounds.
You have a chola in your barrio named "La Flaca" who's bigger than a house.
You think Cristina trumps Oprah any day.
Your uncle owns more gold than that jewelry shop down the street.
You have your country's flag hanging from your rear view mirror.
You have a cousin named "Guero" who's darker than night.
Your mom made you put lettuce under your bed the night before Three King's Day so that the camels had something to eat and they leave you a gift in return.
Your family never lets you forget the day you missed Mother's Day.
You need to point out how much something you just bought cost.
You go to at least 3 weddings a year.
You use manteca instead of olive oil and can't figure out why your getting bigger.
You dread those boring stays with family in the -campo-.
You just can't imagine anyone not liking Spanish food.
You go to a white friends house for dinner and dont understand the concept of sitting at a table.
You've tried to bring a mango back to the US from Mexico, and a bonus point if you actually made it all the way home with it.
You have sat in a two-passenger car with over seven people in it.
You have a picture of -Jesucristo- in your house.
You have at least TWO statues of saints in your house (and a bonus point if one of them La Virgen de Guadalupe).
You go to Church on Easter,Christmas and New Years just to see what everyone is wearing and find out all the latest chisme.
You're an adult and you're still forced to be with your family at 12midnight on New Years Eve.
You walk around saying -chacho-,-chacha-,-ay bendito- or -Buey-.
You get anothers attention by saying "chhh chhh" or "Pssssst."
You drive a Cheby- (Chevy),an -Ohsmobeel- (Oldsmobile) or a Bolswahgon (VolksWagon)
You call your sneakers -tenis- .
Your car has fifteen speakers in it and you fix it every weekend.
You have at least forty cousins.
You start clapping when your plane lands on the runway.
And last, but not least...
Your grandmother thinks she has the miracle cure for everything.


VIVA Latinos!

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JESUS WAS A MEXICAN

Recently, a Manuel Jesus Fortaguez posed an intrigueing question on the origins of the name of our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ. Like many of the people that saw this question, I laughed at its apparent simplicity. However, I have given it some more thought and I believe our duty as Christians is to pursue this fantastic possibility (ie. that Jesus was Mexican).

Mr. Fortaguez's argument was as follows...

(a) No Jews are named Jesus
(b) Many Mexicans are named Jesus
(c) Therefore, Jesus was a Mexican


From a purely logical standpoint, I see nothing wrong with this argument. There must be some truth here! He further pointed out an interesting fact that I had never considered...

(a) The Messiah would be named Emmanuel
(b) Jesus doesn't appear to have been given this name
(c) Perhaps Jesus had the middle name Emmanuel


Here again, the argument has some logic to it, but I don't feel that point (c) necessarily follows from points (a) and (b). I believe I have a theory which explains the apparent discrepancy AND answers the question of the origin of the name 'Jesus'.

Consider these undisputed scientific and historic facts:

(1) Up until about 4400 (circa 2400 BC) years ago, all the continents were joined together into a supercontinent, called Pangaea. (How else could all the 6,000,000 species of land animals walk to Noah's Ark, and then disembark to all the lands of the world?)

(2) At that time, all peoples spoke one language and worked together in peace. However, they put this unity to evil work, almost succeeding in constructing a tower to reach Heaven itself. At this time, the Lord confounded the tongues of the earth and scattered the peoples. (This means that the continents were still joined together for some time after the flood.)

(3) After the birth of Jesus, the Gospel of Matthew tells us that the Holy Family fled to 'Egypt'. (A land of many pyramids.)

(4) There are also many pyramids found in Mexico. (A coincidence? I think not!)

Now for my pontentially controversial hypothesis:

THE SAVIOR AND HIS FAMILY ACTUALLY FLED TO THE YUCATAN PENINSULA AND LIVED AMONGST THE MAYANS, AND THAT IS WHERE HE GOT THE NAME JESUS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

This may seem absurd, but I ask you to consider the facts in an unbiased light. My line of reasoning is as follows.

First, the Old Testament prophet Isaiah clearly foretold that the savior would be born of a virgin and named Emmanuel. Since Mary was a virgin when she gave birth to Jesus, He must have been CHRISTENED Emmanuel Christ.

Second, the Holy Family fled to 'Egypt'. But at that time, North America and Africa were still adjoined, and the Yucatan was adjacent with Egypt. Thus, the Mayans and the Egyptians are actually the same people! It was to the Mayan portion (perhaps Upper Egypt?) to which the Savior and his family fled.

Third, while living among the Mayans, the young God came to be known as Jesus (pronounced Hey-Zeus). They knew He was a God, and mistakenly thought He was the son of Zeus. In fact, the name Jesus means son of Zeus in the ancient Mayan dialect of Egyptian! Some other similarities between the Egyptian and Mayan cultures should be presented here to quiet the critics. Both cultures worshipped a Sun god. Both cultures used a hieroglyphic alphabet. Both cultures depict themselves as red (ie sunburnt) skinned. Both cultures built mighty pyramids (the largest of which was in Mexico!) Could this have happened by accident??? Could it be a coincidence???? Why the very idea is preposterous!!! How could two different peoples get the idea to construct pyramids (a complex geometrical form) independently? Hence, these two cultures must have originally been one and the same (historically they were called Upper and Lower Egypt).

Fourth, after sojourning in Egypt, the Savior began introducing himself as Jesus Emmanuel Christ. This is the name by which his disciples knew him. Thus, the name Jesus is definitely of Mexican origin and not Spanish as Mr. Fortaguez suggests.

Fifth, at the crucifixion of our LORD AND SAVIOR, the whole world was rent by mighty earthquakes. It was only then that the continents began to drift apart. Many scientific theories support this idea of continental drift (of course they have the time scale wrong).

Although each of these items of evidence, considered separately, is not conclusive, taken as a whole they are ironclad proof of the Mexican origin of the name 'Jesus'. Seen in this light, we must wonder whether or not the Spanish conquistadors destroyed references to the boy God (Hey-Zeus) when they burnt the Mayan codices. Clearly they must have thought that this was a reference to a pagan god, when, ironically, it was the same god in whose very name they were slaughtering the inhabitants.

The travesty is, of course, that this evidence of our Lord and Savior is now lost in history and all we have is the Bible. The prophet Isaiah clearly states that God would also send a messiah to the Egyptians. Perhaps He already has.

Mel Chizedek

© Joseph Busche and Bill Curry

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SPANISH FOR GRINGOS:

There's always something to learn or to try, many times you need to say some phrases in Spanish, but you don't know how to say it, don't worry, your problems have finished, if your are a gringo and you don't speak spanish, the new "Diccionario para el gringo guey" (Smart Gringo Dictionary) will be helpful in your learning. For instance, we took from it some common phrases, just try and see the difference and how easy it is to speak spanish.

Boy as n r = Voy a cenar = I'm going to have a dinner

N L C John = en el sillón = on the armchair.

Be a hope and son = viejo panzón = fat old man.

Who and see to seek ago = Juancito se cagó = Little John chickened out.

S toy tree stone = estoy tristón = I'm kind of sad.

Lost trap eat toss = los trapitos = the little rags.

Desk can saw = descansa = (you) rest.

As say toon as = aceitunas = olives.

The head the star mall less tan dough = deje de estar molestando = stop bugging me.

See eye = si hay = yes we have.

T n s free o ? = tienes frío ? = are you cold?

Tell o boy ah in cruise tar ! = Te lo voy a incrustar! = I'm gonna take you for a ride !!

Be a has r when there us = viejas arguenderas = arguing bitches

Come at a lost ugh wack cat tess = comete los aguacates = eat the avocados

Kit at tell loss war at chess = quitate los guaraches = take off your sandals

Ball add the pay jazz sad us = bola de payasadas = Silly stuff.

S taz pen the ho = estas pendejo = you are an asshole.

T N S L P P B N T S O = Tienes el pipi bien tieso = you have an erection.

Pooh row ped o = puro pedo = its all bull shit

Rascal p tow = rasca el pito = scratch the dick

Mass car eat a saw grad ah = mascarita sagrada = name for famous wrestler in Mexico.

S toy as tall a mad re = Estoy hasta la madre = I'm fed up (to the mother!)

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MULTINATIONAL COMPANIES

A todos los que les ha tocado trabajar en una multinacional, han tenido que lidiar con jefes no hispano parlantes o algunos que han trabajado en otros paises. Esto seguramente les trae algun recuerdo...

"It has been brought to our attention by several officials visiting our offices, that offensive language is commonly used by our Spanish speaking staff.

Such behavior, in addition to violating our policy, is highly unprofessional and offensive to both visitors and staff. All personnel will immediately adhere to the following rules:

1.- Words like carajo, la puta madre or me pela la verga and other such expressions will not be tolerated or used for emphasis or dramatic effect, no matter how heated a discussion may become.

2.- You will not say la cagó when someone makes a mistake, or se estan cagando en el hijue putia if you see someone being reprimended, or que cagada when a major mistake has been made. All forms and derivations of the verb cagar are utterly innapropriate and unacceptable in our environment.

3.- No project manager, section head or administrator under any circumstances will be referred as hijo de las mil putas, mal parido, es una mierda or es una bestia.

4.- Lack of determination will not be referred to as que culero, falta de huevos nor will persons who lack initiative be referred to as pelotudo, or que pendejo.

5.- Unusual or creative ideas offered by the management are not to be referred as pajas mentales or pendejadas.

6.- Do not say como hincha los huevos or que ladilla de mierda if a person is persistent; do not add se lo esta llevando putas if a colleague is going through a diffcult situation. Furthermore, you must not say la cagamos (refer to item 2) nor nos rompieron el culo when a matter becomes excessively complicated.

7.- When asking a someone to leave you alone, you must not say andate a la mierda or pelame la verga nor should you ever substitute May I help you? with Que putas querés?

8.- Under no circumstances should you ever call your elderly industrial partners viejitos mierdas.

9.- Do not say chupame el huevo when a relevant project is presented to you, nor should you ever answer pelamela when you assistance is required.

10.- You should never call partners cerote de mierda o vieja tortillera; the sexual behavior of our staff is not to be discussed in terms such as viejo maricón, or mariquita de mierda.

11.- Last but no means least, after reading this note please don't say me la paso por el culo. Just keep it clean and dispose of it properly.

Thank you.

THE MANAGEMENT

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NUEVA LEY DENTRO DEL CARRO.
POR DISPOSICION SUPERIOR DEL PRESIDENTE DE LA REPUBLICA SE LES COMUNICA A TODAS AQUELLAS PERSONAS Y PAREJAS QUE SEAN SORPRENDIDAS DENTRO DE VEHICULOS EN CUALQUIER LUGAR PUBLICO COMETIENDO FALTAS A LA MORAL E INFRACCIONES A LA MORAL POR PARTE DE LA POLICIA Y BUEN GOBIERNO, SE LES APLICARAN LASIGUIENTES MULTAS:

MANO CON MANO $100.00

MANO CON MUSLO $150.00
MANO EN AQUELLO $200.00.
AQUELLO EN LA MANO $250.00
AQUELLO EN AQUELLO $300.00.
AQUELLO DENTRO DE AQUELLO $350.00.
AQUELLO DETRAS DE AQUELLO $500.00
AQUELLO EN LA BOCA $600.00
LA BOCA EN AQUELLO $1000.00

NOTA: LAS PERSONAS ENCONTRADAS CON AQUELLO EN LA BOCA Y TENGAN DIENTES DE ORO, PAGARAN UNA MULTA MAS ELEVADA POR SER ARTICULO DE LUJO; Y LAS QUE SEAN ENCONTRADAS SIN HACER NADA, LA MULTA SE LES TRIPLICARA POR PENDEJOS.

CON EL FIN DE QUE NO HAYA DUDAS EN CUANTO AL ENIGMA DE LA EXPRESION "AQUELLO" Y PARA UN MEJOR ESCLARECIMIENTO DE SU SIGNIFICADO, SE DAN LAS SIGUIENTES ACEPCIONES:

1.- NO ES MURCIELAGO PERO VIVE COLGADO.
2.- NO ES ACORDEON PERO SE ESTIRA Y SE ENCOGE.
3.- NO ES BAYGON PERO ES EL QUE SE HACE CHIQUITO.
4.- NO ES BEBE PERO BABEA.
5.- NO ES SOLDADO PERO ATACA POR DELANTE Y POR DETRAS.
6.- NO PIENSA PERO TIENE CABEZA.
7.- NO ES GALLO PERO DA PICOTAZOS.
8.- NO ES ATRACTIVO PERO VUELVE LOCAS A LAS MUJERES.
9.- NO PERTENECE A NINGUN CLUB, PERO LE DICEN MIEMBRO.
10.- NO ES MAL EDUCADO PERO ESCUPE.
11.- NO ES CABALLERO PERO ANTE LAS DAMAS SE PARA.
12.- NO ES MARCIANO PERO TIENE UN OJO.
13.- NO ES BOMBERO PERO TIENE CASCO.
14.- NO ES LA LOTERIA PERO HACE HOGARES FELICES.
15,- NO ES EL CHORRITO, PERO SE HACIA GRANDOTE Y SE HACIA CHIQUITO.

SE LE PIDE A TODO CIUDADANO QUE RECIBIO ESTA NUEVA LEY INFORMARLE, A

TODOS SUS AMIGOS, AMIGAS, NOVIAS, NOVIOS, AMANTES, ETC. ETC, PARA QUE NO SEAN SORPRENDIDOS, FAVOR DE MANDARLO A LAS PERSONAS QUE MAS CONFIANZA LE TENGAN, Y OJO MUCHO OJO.

COMO LE DECIA MI ABUELITA A MI MAMA:

ABRE BIEN LOS OJOS Y CIERRA BIEN LAS PIERNAS

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TIPOS DE ORGASMOS...

1. ASMÁTICA: ¡Ahh...Ahhh...Ahhhh...
2. GEOGRÁFICA: ¡Aquí, aquí, aquí, aquí!
3. MATEMÁTICA: ¡Más, más, más, más!
4. RELIGIOSA: ¡Ay Dios mío, ay Dios mío!
5. SUICIDA: ¡Me muero, me muero!
6 HOMICIDA: Si paras ahora, ¡Te mato!
7. ZOOTECNISTA: ¡Venga mi macho, venga!
8. PORRISTA: ¡Dale...dale...dale!
9. PROFESORA DE INGLÉS: Oh... yes, oh...good...
10.TIPO PROYECTO UNO: ¡No pares! ¡Sigue, sigue! ¡No pares!
11. NEGATIVA: ¡Nooo, noooo, nooooo!
12. POSITIVA: ¡Sí...sí...sí!
13. PROFESORA: Sí...eso...por ahí...muy bien...correcto...perfecto.
14. DESINFORMADA: ¿Qué es esto?... ¿Por qué?... ¿Qué me haces?
15. ANALISTA DE SISTEMAS: OK. El proceso ha finalizado con éxito.
16. CLARIVIDENTE: Lo siento venir..ya casi viene..lo veo, lo veo.

LO QUÉ SE DICE SEGÚN SU NACIONALIDAD DESPUÉS DE HACER EL AMOR

ARGENTINA: "¡Che! Sós un Dios."
CUBANA: Cosa ma grande, caballero."
GRINGA: "MMmmmmm... Good,, by the way.... ¿What's your name?"
ITALIANA: "¡¡Ma' que cosa!!"
MEXICANA: "¡Te juro que es la primera vez... no vayas a creer que soy así!"

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10 REASONS WHY LATINOS CAN'T BE TERRORISTS

10. 8:45am is too early for us to be up.
9. We are always late, we would have missed all 4 flights.
8. Pretty people on the plane distract us.
7. We would talk loudly and bring attention to ourselves.
6. Food and drinks were on the plane.
5. We talk with our hands, we would have put our weapons down.
4. We would all want to fly the plane.
3. We would argue and start a fight in the plane.
2. We would have told everyone a week before doing it.
1. We would have put our countries flag on the windshield.

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Got any more jokes, mail 'em my way =)

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