"I timed that, it took 22 seconds for him to hate you -- it must be a new record" -- Watters
"It's not a record." -- Geiger

"Well here's an extremely radical thought...shouldn't the issue be what the patient has to gain?" -- Geiger

"I put out a memo regarding coarse humor in public areas...maybe you didn't get it?" -- Birch
"Yes, but I'd run out of toilet paper, I had to put your memo to emergency use...Sharing that here was probably a violation of your directive wasn't it? Sorry, I'm chagrined, let's wipe the slate clean...you got another memo handy?" -- Geiger

"Please get out of my eyeline...I'll ask you once more nicely, please get out of my eyeline..." <Fakes left, escapes> -- Geiger

"Sorry I'm late." -- Kronk
"Well, in truth, we were enjoying your absence." -- Geiger

"You're a wacko!" -- Geiger to a woman who has Munchhausen Syndrome

"Don't make me say 'please', Aaron...you know how much I loathe that word." -- Geiger (Contributed by Steve Rybin)

"Am I the only one in this hospital not having sex?" -- Geiger (Contributed by Steve Rybin)

"Laurie had a bad week. She bit someone." -- Laurie's doctor
"So did I." -- Geiger (Contributed by Adam Miller)

"You slut!" -- Geiger to Camille, after discovering of her relationship with Nyland

"You pig!" -- Camille to Nyland, after discovering of his relationship with Nurse Atkisson
"Busy pig!" -- Geiger to Camille

"She's gonna fake to left, go back up the middle. I saw this on a PBS special. That's not friendly body language. See those little specks of spit coming out of her mouth? That's hostility." -- Geiger to Thurmond, observing Camille and Aaron arguing

"Complaint #1: There isn't a single resident in this place with any stones. They're all obsequious cowering little sycophants who'd rather suction my drool with their tongues than stand up to me. 'kay, your turn now." --Geiger to Nyland

"First, let me say how sorry I am for you people. What with the homeless, and the stuff happening in Bosnia, and even the patients I see every day, I lost sight of the true victims in society, which happen to be you." -- Geiger to everyone

"Well then, Jeffrey, why don't you just go to hell?" -- Infante
"Well, I've been, they sent me back." -- Geiger

"You want a nice job? Go work at Wal-Mart!" -- Geiger to Nyland, after Nyland complains about working with Geiger (Contributed by LaReeca Rucker)

"You're big mouth is what got you into this, so do you think you can keep it closed?" Birch to Geiger
"I don't know, lemme try. Oops, seems I can't." Geiger to Birch, "With the Greatest of Ease"(Contributed by Stephanie Souders)

"Listen, Marcus, you didn't miss anything. The girrafe was dead. So you're better off with that silly hippo. 'cept you know what killed the girrafe? Lyme Disease. Yeah, from an ugly tick, all fat and grey, bloated with the girrafe's blood. It's waddlin' towards your hippo right now. I hate ticks. This one's gettin' closer and closer, big fat, fat tick. It's headin' for your hippo. So do me a favor and stop that tick, step on that tick, splatter it all over the ground, step on that tick. ("I can't") Step on that tick, squish it's guts, GRIND it into the pavement..." Geiger to Marcus, "Shutt Down"(Contributed by Stephanie Souders)

"I can't seem to regulate his heartbeat." -- Nyland
"That's because you're incompetent. Let me have a crack at it." -- Geiger Contributed by WGC Ingram Library

"...and she has all the surgical skill of Jeffrey Dahmer!" - Geiger, about Austin Contributed by Anne Gilson

"We'll eat pasta - she's not dangerous with soft foods." -- Geiger of Laurie Contributed by Kalii3@aol.com

"The monkey wore a condom." -- Geiger Contributed by Donna J. Brown

"Are you out of what's left of your mind?" -- Geiger to Laurie, after she tells him that she wants a divorce to marry Gilbert ("Cutting Edges") Contributed by Anne Gilson

"I'll miss you." -- Austin
"I'm running late. Kate, your a hell of a woman. I'll deny ever having said it." -- Geiger ("Leave of Absence") Contributed by EDunsm8236@aol.com

"Penny for your thoughts." -- Camille
"Mine are more expensive." -- Geiger Contributed by Michael Mistretta

"Do not puke on this patient" -- Geiger to Maggie (Quarantine) Contributed by S.L. Ward

"You married?" -- Geiger to Nyland
"No" -- Nyland to Geiger
"Figures" -- Geiger to Nyland (Quarantine) Contributed by S.L. Ward

"Who thinks you look like George Clooney, your mother?" -- Geiger to Aaron Contributed by CCSpring2@aol.com

"This was unacceptable." -- Geiger, homage to Alan Birch Contributed by Jenny Peterson

"You say you see omelettes in Phillip's beard...that's constructive?" -- Shutt to Geiger

"Dr. Thurmond, why don't you go in the corner and *faint.*" -- Shutt to Thurmond (Contributed by Stephanie Souders)

"Jeffery, your car... He's goin' for his trains!" -- Shutt (Contributed by Stephanie Souders)

"How do you bring a patient in here, and inform him gently that he has congestive heart failure with a steam locamotive chugging through his legs?" -- Shutt to Geiger (Contributed by Stephanie Souders)

"It's me or the morgue." -- Shutt to Geiger, re. patient who shot up ER (Contributed by Nina Smith)

"Yes, but even so, I tell all my patients no trapeze flying for atleast 48 hours. Superstition." Shutt to Mr. Traveli, "With the Greatest of Ease."(Contributed by Stephanie Souders)

"You come near me with your bloated psyco-babble and I will take your head off, alright?"Shutt to Kadalski, "Shutt Down"(Contributed by Stephanie Souders)

"Do you think I'm walking a plank with Dr. Geiger?"Winslow to Shutt
"With Jeffery? There is no plank. It's just a straight drop." Shutt to Winslow
"I thought he was a great guy." Winslow to Shutt
"Oh, he is. He'll tell ya." Shutt to Winslow, "With the Greatest of Ease"(Contributed by Stephanie Souders)

"Listen, if you're going to snap, Aaron.." Phillip to Shutt "Oh, no! God FORBID I should SNAP, Phillip, I wouldn't DARE snap. I mean, I've got bullets whizzin' by my head in the ER, I gotta operate on the shooter, patients are dyin' on me, but I won't snap. God forbid should snap. That could make me human. God forbid any doctor be human in Chicago Hope." Shutt to Phillip, "Shutt Down"(Contributed by Stephanie Souders)

"It's rumoured that G-d has a Geiger Complex." -- Shutt to Austin Contributed by Mike Shore

"Do you always answer a question with a question?" -- Geiger
"Does that bother you?" -- Shutt ("Hello, Goodbye") Contributed by Anne Gilson

"What's goin' on...Scrumpins?" -- Shutt to his father Contributed by Donna J. Brown

"I can't have that respect undermined by a promiscuous ex-wife whose sexual escapades serve to humiliate me" -- Aaron to Camille (Quarantine) Contributed by S.L. Ward

"That's not respect" -- Birch

"It was a very big gun" -- Birch

"My daughter puked on my shoulder. This is not acceptable." --Birch (Contributed by Josh Metzger)

"Why is my helmet fogging up? They've given me defective equipment... Your helmet doesn't fog. Are you breathing through your nose? I'm blinded Phillip. Phillip? This is unacceptable." -- Birch

"One other thing: Judge Aldrich has the attention span of an autistic gnat." -- Birch to Watters

"Please infer my urgency on this!" Alan Birch Contributed by Donna J. Brown

"I want you to stand up and tell everyone in this courtroom that you are a toad" -- Aldrich to Birch
"I am a toad" -- Birch to courtroom at Aldrich's request. Contributed by Adam Herman

"Fine. Blood's on your hands, not mine." -- Watters

"Speaking as your doctor ... no one has ever knocked me on my ass." -- Watters to feisty patient (Contributed by Nina Smith)

"An ear fell off a patient in the OR; Put it back on," -- Watters to Infante Contributed by Jennifer Peterson

"I live to appease you." Watters to Geiger. Contributed by Lesley Leighton

"The Eel Lives!" -- Kronk? Contributed by G6814@aol.com

"He's pissing! The eel is pissing!"--Kronk ("Leave Of Absence") Contributed by Jenny Peterson

"Does he look like George Clooney?" -- Geiger
"I don't know who that is." -- Kronk Contributed by Jerry Michaels

"I think the bacteria comes out when he talks." -- Nyland of Geiger

"Morgue parade...wanna join?" -- Nyland to Sutton Contributed by Donna J. Brown

"I'm the hospital psychiatrist...How do you feel?" -- Kadalski
"My arm hurts" -- Nyland
"No, no, I mean *emotionally*!" - Kadalski
"My arm hurts" -- Nyland ("Shutt Down") Contributed by Anne Gilson

"What are you doing here?" Camille to Nyland
"I live here" Nyland to Camille (Heartbreak) Contributed by S.L. Ward

"You know, Aaron, I left you way too soon. There are so many more things to hate about you that I haven't even discovered yet." -- Camille, in "The Quarantine" Contributed by Jennifer Peterson

"He said he'd come in a pinch, this is a pinch. I'm calling him." -- Watters
"Yuck!" -- Camille Contributed by Sarah Elbling

"Jeffrey, did I tell you how much I've missed your sense of humor?" -- Camille
"Actually no." -- Geiger
"Funny thing." -- Camille Contributed by Sarah Elbling

"Oh, not tonight, ER is on!" -- Camille Contributed by MR NELSON J DAVIS

"We had to do a bypass, but everything went fine." -- Watters to Thurmond
"Who did it? Not Penis Head!" -- Thurmond
"Dr. Penis Head assisted, but Geiger did it" -- Watters (Contributed by Gordon Sypolt)

"You're in no position to call my ass puffy." Thurmond to Aldrich, "Shutt Down."(Contributed by Stephanie Souders)

"The man at the head of the table is the anesthesiologist. His job is to keep the patient from running away." Dr. Thurmond to Nurse Petty ("Heartbreak") Contributed by SHELDON SMITH

"Did you concubine with that nurse Phillip?" Thurmond to Phillip (Quarantine) Contributed by S.L. Ward

"Tell me you didn't have sex with a monkey!" -- Nurse Atkisson to Nyland

"I walked in here this morning to thank you, and you plunge right back into the Jeffrey Geiger fear of intimacy backstroke." -- Infante to Geiger

"Why don't the two of you go out? Have a blast!" -- Infante to Geiger and Shutt Contributed by Jennifer Peterson

"I peed without incident." -- Laurie's now husband at Geiger's "acceptance dinner" for Geri Contributed by SH21009@conrad.appstate.edu

"You've had an erection for 24 hours?" Maggie to patient (Love and Hope) Contributed by S.L. Ward

"You just asked me out to facilitate a public bowel movement?" -- Winslow to Geiger

Senator Thomason: I'm sorry sir, you are again please.
Alan Birch: Alan Birch, General Counsel to Chicago Hope
Senator Thomason: I see. Well um, Mr Birch this, um, forum is about talking to doctors, not to lawyers.
[Phillip watching on TV]
Phillip Watters: Get him.
Alan Birch: This forum is ostensibly about medicare. That topic had nothing whatsoever to do with this morning's attack..
Senator Thomason: Well, you'll have to forgive me, but I'm not about to let you turn this into a pissing contest....
Alan Birch: How about allowing me to respond to the allegations made by you with the cameras rolling here. Now if you feel threatened, senator, we can turn the cameras off. Because I understand you might feel overmatched without the element of surprise working for you. Again, in theory, any man worthy of a run for Congress should have enough bite to stand behind his words... Even if they were supplied to him by a campaign committee.
Senator Thomason: Do you want to come at me, sir? Do you know what you're up against?
Alan Birch: Only that you're a political creature who does not know what he's talking about when it comes to how a hospital works. Not too late to kill those cameras, sir.
Senator Thomason: Oh no, the cameras are running.
Alan Birch: Good. Now let's start with some of the facts you left out this morning. Like the fact that in all the experimental procedures you cited at Chicago Hope, the patients lived and benefited. Not 80%. Not 90, not 99, but 100%. They all got better.
Senator Thomason: At what cost?
Alan Birch: At a cost more expensive than death. But you left out that Chicago Hope has the lowest mortality rate of any hospital in the state. You particularly left out that surgeons there or anywhere sometimes have to make decisions in an instant. They don't have the luxury of appointing sub committees, to debate the pros and the cons. They don't have the time to consider public opinion polls. They can't take lunch with a lobbyist before choosing what to do. Patients face imminent death, and surgeons sometimes have to improvise without waiting for FDA approval. And yes, occasionally, they resort to untried, experimental procedures, but your suggestion that it's about playing with toys, who get's to be first, who's ego wins out. That is repugnant, not only to surgeons, but also to the credibility of your office. Only thing a comment like that proves is that obviously you've never been in an OR, senator. Certainly not one at Chicago Hope.
Senator Thomason: You should get John Williams to score this match.
Alan Birch: Boy you talk about saving Medicare from bankruptcy. Your real intent is to slash its costs to balance your state and federal budget. Well I'm going
to tell you something. [Stand up] More people die with your plan, senator. Especially the elderly. HMO's win. For profit organizations flourish. But trauma centers, emergency rooms, they get shut down. So you want to make the hospital the villain here, that's fine. But's it's a government shell game, at the expense of the elderly, at the expense of the poor. And everyone in this room know it.
[Another Senator speaks up]
Other Senator: This is not a place for politics
Alan Birch: It is entirely about politics. It's about nothing but politics. You single out Chicago Hope because it's rich. You make a big public attack on a wealthy institution. Eh, cameras rolling. Let's wack at the rich. And then you just hope the poor don't realize they're the one's getting hammered here. That's who you're sticking it to.So you want my vote, senator, You check into those hospitals who deliberately overbid Medicare contracts, so they lose them, so they don't have to treat the poor at fixed rates. You check into HMO's who threaten to shut down doctor's practices, unless those doctors promise to treat patients on the cheap. You check into insurance companies who promise to provide coverage, and then deny it, 'cause of some fine print which defines a procedure as experimental. There is a lot of waste, a lot of crap, a lot of wrong for you to go after in health care. But surgeons ain't it. Easy targets, you bet, but they ain't it. So you don't get my vote, Senator Thomason.
[Start's pounding on desk]
Sloppy work, and YOU DON'T GET MY VOTE!
[Alan stares into the eyes of the senator]

Opens in Kate's office......
Jeffrey Geiger: (on phone) I'm gettin everything ready. I'm on my way. Tell Kronk, he'll be assisting. Yeah. I want Camille for the harvest.
Tommy Wilmette: Isn't this Kate's office?
Jeffrey Geiger: (on phone still) I don't care if she's a floor nurse. (Walking out of the office in waiting corridor are) She loaned it to me. Don't tell her. Excuse me.
Tommy Wilmette: Dr. Geiger. Dr. Geiger. A moment please. Is it true she's obsessed with becoming Chief of Staff?
Jeffrey Geiger: If you're looking for me to say something negative that you can utilize in your custody battle, let me happily offer this. From what I've seen, she's not only a great doctor. But also an exemplary role model for any child. I'm, uh, sure you've scored big fudge stripes taking Sara for weekend pony rides, cotton candy lunches. But...Kate's been a mother to her every day. Maybe you should leave it like that.
Tommy Wilmette: Of course you'd be right since you're never wrong.
Jeffrey Geiger: No, I was wrong once, very briefly, for the few seconds that I thought I liked you.
(FROM HERE ON THEY OVERLAP EACH OTHER)
Tommy Wilmette: Such wit. Must be joyous to hear your self talk. I bet you can outgab all those other little voices you hear in your dysfunctional head. What do all those voices say, "Go away," "We don't like you," "You're a pompous, egotistical, self-serving carcase of arrogance"? If so, fear not, you're not crazy. Those are real voices coming from every body who has ever met you. I'd about given up on ever being able to agree with Kate on anything, but on you, encouraged, she has got you pegged. You think if you flap your little self-storm, nobody will notice that? Well you don't say much quality-wise, but
quantity, you are spitting flatulence. (Sentence I can't understand because Mandy was the louder of the two.) Wouldn't it be nice if I could follow you around on a daily basis and learn through osmosis. I'm sure I'm could learn soo much from your ooze. Although it does redundent. See, I'm getting a little bored now. Actually, listening to you, I'm finding you less interesting as we speak. Maybe I should take out the stop watch like everybody else and see how
long it takes from lift-off to melt-down. (Pushes Geiger away who is flicking finger in front of his lips)
Jeffrey Geiger: Is this the part where I go, "He's a genius, he'll want me to surrender." Let me tell you Mr. Wilmette, Kate told me you were fabuolous, but I'm extremely disappointed. It's not that I have expectations. I had none. Until you failed as a father. Keep talking Tommy, you bound to say something profound. By chance every man spits out a gem now and then. Though I'm sure yours are couched in flatulence. Why's your face getting red? You feel somebody beating you in an argument? Somebody's outyapping Tommy Wilmette? I'm shocked. How could that happen with you having two sides of your mouth to talk out of? I'm sitting here trying to figure out how a guy with a 30 million dollar bank account can still be alone in a material world such as ours, where wealth is considered some kind of measure of a person's value. You must have some pretty negative characteristics to have such a bank account, huh? Man, let me see if i can imagine some of them....Vanity, lack of conscience, dishonesty, untrustworthy. Let me know if I reel off something original. Hygiene, let's
not forget that, but that actually counts Missy (something) Yeah! Yap, Yap, Yap
(flicking finger in front of Tommy Wilmette's lips, whereas Tommy pushes him away from him).
Jeffrey Geiger: I win. I'd go two out of three, but I got surgery.
(LEAVING DOWN CORRIDOR and sees Grad and Hancock and hits Grad's arm as he walks by her; they are in amazement at what they just witnessed; just like we were).

Last updated on February 12, 1996